Scott Benner

"Conan! What is best in life?"

"To crush your enemies!
See them driven before you!
And to hear the lamentation of their women!"

- Conan the Barbarian


While the rest of the J!NX Crew is drawing and talking and laughing, Scott "Brolo" Benner is sitting behind a keyboard, pounding code until his fingers are bruised and bloodied. Brolo writes most of the programs and database scripts that run the website and help you order your favorite J!NX lootz. He can usually be found in his office/dungeon, staring at a wall of SQL and headbanging to death metal, doing his best to ignore the world around him. Brolo sometimes wears earplugs underneath his headphones and cranks up the volume, just to mess with people who try to get his attention.

When he's not swimming through a sea of code, Brolo plays every crappy game he can get his hands on and writes double-ultra-serious game reviews. Actually there are three outright lies in the previous sentence: one, a more accurate metaphor for his coding skill would be controlled drowning; two, he does not play crappy games unless it involves an axe-wielding barbarian, an X-Wing, or a giant fighting robot with laser sword; three, he tries desperately to be funny, but only people who have made a long series of bad life choices will be laughing with him as opposed to at him.

Once per week, Brolo is released from his coding-cage and is asked to write the new product description. His captions are unapologetically ridiculous, and tend to warp the minds of those unfortunate souls who are foolish enough to read them. Please use extreme caution when viewing new products.

25 Things

  1. I have a dangerous obsession with all things barbarian.
  2. I'm addicted to building Gundam robot models, but I can't stand anime. Why can't giant robots be piloted by certified bad-asses instead of emo high school kids?
  3. I'm an Eagle Scout. So, yeah, I can survive in the wilderness and stuff. One time I even chased a bear out of our campsite! No Joke!
  4. I never touched programming until I went to college, and I almost switched to Theoretical Physics halfway through. Good thing I didn't. =D
  5. I can't get enough heavy metal. I wish I had an IV that pumped liquid metal straight into my veins.
  6. My five favorite bands, in no particular order: Ensiferum, Helloween, Megadeth, Iron Maiden, DragonForce.
  7. If I had to choose one genre of games to play for the rest of my life, it would be first-person shooters. Games were a hobby until I discovered FPS - now they are a way of life.
  8. Call of Duty 4, Battlefield 2, CounterStrike, and Goldeneye, and Day of Defeat are the best FPS games ever created. All arguments against this list - and any other list I ever make - are null and void.
  9. I'm in love with Guitar Hero and Rock Band, but only because I wish I could play a real instrument.
  10. I have three brothers and a sister. All of them are more intelligent and better looking than I am. But I don't care because I'm more metal.
  11. I never played RPG's until Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Now I giggle with glee at every are pee gee.
  12. The original Conan short stories by Robert E. Howard are the greatest thing you will ever read.
  13. Vernor Vinge is a sci-fi visionary. If you are literate, and you haven't read A Fire Upon the Deep, then you fail faster than an ipecac imbiber at a consuming contest. (But read Conan first!)
  14. I like to doodle. But only stuff like barbarians and dragons and robots and dragons eating robot barbarians and stuff. Unfortunately for you, we even made a shirt out of one of 'em. XD
  15. When I was young and foolish, I took a test for my friend. The good news is that I did really well. The bad news is that I got a higher score on his test than I did on my own. Epic fail.
  16. My friends and I made a multiplayer FPS game when we were seniors in college. It had deformable terrain, like some new games... but that was 5 years ago. ;)
  17. NHL Hitz '03 for GameCube is the greatest 4-person game ever created. Go buy it, or risk death by boredom.
  18. I hate watching TV, but I love watching TV shows on DVD.
  19. I'm a huge fan of basketball, and I play whenever I can. (I even made a slam dunk before!) That said, I hate every sports game except Tecmo Bowl and NHL Hitz.
  20. The original Star Wars Trilogy has been a driving force in my life. I've seen the movies 392,928 times (especially the second half of Return), read dozens of books, collected trading cards, built the Legos, and played just about every game released pre-2002.
  21. Whenever I have the choice to be good or evil in a game, I choose evil. It sucks because the game always tries to make you feel guilty. QUIT PREACHIN' TO ME, WEENIE-BOT!
  22. I've traveled around the country twice in a van. I know what you're thinking, and no, it was not a windowless van.
  23. I played trumpet in my high school jazz band and marching band. With braces. :...(
  24. "Let me live deep while I live; let me know the rich juices of red meat and stinging wine on my palate, the hot embrace of white arms, the mad exultation of battle when the blue blades flame and crimson, and I am content. Let teachers and philosophers brood over questions of reality and illusion. I know this: if life is illusion, then I am no less an illusion, and being thus, the illusion is real to me. I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and am content."
    - Conan the Cimmerian (as told by Robert E. Howard)
  25. I am an amateur filmmaker, and professional snacker.
  26. I hate fancy restaurants. I would rather beer and pizza 9 times out of 10. On the tenth time, I would rather have beer and Flaming Hot Cheetos.
  27. 25 was the minimum pieces of flair, but I chose to express myself and added number 26. And I have a terrific smile.

Recent Photos

Wee Brolo
The Famitron in the Very High Sierras.
Moonlighting as Cerberus. (Thanks to Jinx's epic 'shopping.)
Me and the older bro making a bacon blanket. Well worth the effort.
Our first ad for Geek magazine.
The song ain't over 'till your fingers bleed!
I drove this beast in high school.
Taking the rock to the hole. Move it or lose it!
The truth is undeniable.

On The Web

My Daily links I visit:

Brolo's Game Views: The most extreme gaming blog on the planet!!

Brolo: Level 80 Undead Priest
My Mega-Metal Playlist