Super Bowl 2: Super Browl-o
Every year, I sit down on Super Bowl Sunday with a bevvy of beverages, a clutch of comsumables, and
an assortment of associates, and I watch the most important football game of the entire year.
(International minions may feel free to insert 'real football' or 'hand-egg' jokes
here.) And every year, I wish I had my four hours back. And a cookie.
I grew up loving sports and I played and watched them constantly, but as the years go by, sports are
becoming more and more boring. I think it's all the video games I play: every year video games
get more and more immersing and entertaining, but things like football just stay the same. Sure,
sports are still exciting in little bits, but 4 straight hours of sitting on my ass in front of a TV
watching commercials and listening to players and experts say the same shit over and over again...
well, in video game terms, the Super Bowl franchise needs a reboot. It's time to reinvent this
time-honored American tradition, and bring it up to the expectations of a modern, meme-savvy
It's time to unleash Super Bowl 2: Super Browlo.
Super Browlo starts with the national anthem, but instead of getting some pansy-ass pop singer in a
light-up outfit, Ensiferum will burst forth
with a folk metal rendition of this cherished hymn. There shall be bowel-shaking choruses,
mind-splitting guitar solos, and a bone-crushing mosh pit. And when they sing “bombs bursting in
air", there shall be a... wall of death!
Instead of a traditional coin-toss, the two team captains will play classic 80's game
Crossfire. Whoever can go the longest without cursing in frustration gets the ball first. If
it's a tie, they will resort to a narwhal race.
The Referee is now known as the Snack Keeper, or Sneap. The Sneap must be a man or woman of immense
intellectual and physical restraint, for with great power comes great appetite. The Sneap rides
around the field on a golden Segway, rewarding violent play with handfuls of (possibly smushed)
Doritos. It is sign of respect to lick cheese dust off the Sneaps fingers.
All slow-motion replays must be dubbed over with Arnold Schwarzenegger's prodigious grunts, unless it goes in
reverse, in which case it should be dubbed with the Monty Python Camelot song.
If a Snack Keeper calls a penalty, the accused player may challenge the ref to a chugging contest. If the Sneap
wins, the penalty is enforced and he gets to kick the player in the nards. If the player wins, he can
reverse the penalty on the other team. Or he can go hang out with the cheerleaders the rest of the
The 'cable cam' that hangs over the field will be converted to a 'cable cannon' which
will periodically discharge fountains of Budweiser into the field of play, hopefully distracting the
players and triggering drunken fistfights. Aiming privileges will be auctioned off to over-zealous
fans, with all proceeds going to, uh, me.
Instead of announcers who smell like mothballs and talk like they have mouth-balls, the game will be
called by the hosts of MXC,
Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano. Guy LeDouche will provide unsettling sideline commentary.
The normal Halftime show medley is to be replaced with this unintentionally hilarious Candlemass video. This will
segue into Jan Terri's 'Losing You', which will be followed up by a cover of What What, as performed by
All cheerleaders must dress up as Bayonetta, Zero-suit Samus, Lara Croft, or Cammy Toe. Actually,
screw football: the team with the best cosplaying cheerleaders wins the game. At least I have my
However, if both's teams cheerleaders are equally awesome, or if they are all chased away by Guy
LeDouche, then the game will go to Sudden Death Overtime. The players will replace their pads with
real armor and will ride unicorns into battle, crushing skulls, slicing throats, and gouging eyes
until there's nobody left to fight. If everyone dies, the Sneap gets the trophy.
I am the Sneap.
So there you have it! Super Bowl 2: Super Browlo will be the best video game-inspired sports
championship ever conceived! Feel free to agree wholeheartedly with me in the comments section.
What I'm listening to:
We just reinvented the Super Bowl, so why not re-invent thrash metal while we're at it! Just hold
onto your head, because it might get banged the hell off!