Community J!NX Blog

Getting WTFPWND'd Online

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When Starcraft was released in 1756, online gaming was a different beast. I vividly remember caring about my online record, and what the ladder looked like after each match. Cut to 2009, when even complex in-game match-making systems are not enough to prevent gamers like myself from repeatedly getting my ass handed to me by a twelve year old. If you're twelve years old and you're reading this, here's my advice for you: Stop it. Stop beating my ass. You're twelve and you're supposed to suck at everything. Sorry, but self-esteem is a wonderful gift that you aren't getting until at least age eighteen, especially not at my expense.

So, what happened? I don't consider myself a shitty gamer. I'm at least average, even above average in certain situations (e.g. games that my opponent has never played before). Is there a drug that kids are taking that encourages the growth of extra fingers? Am I losing to adolescents with 34 fingers? Because, that's not fair. There is a 10 finger rule.

I can feel you all reaching out to give me a virtual hug, but don't worry about me. Gone are my days of sobbing and collapsing into a ball of self-loathing nakedness on the shower floor, xbox controller in hand. Well, they're mostly gone. My ego is made strong by a full arsenal of excuses, enabling me to trudge through the online gaming experience with confidence and defensiveness. True, not all of my excuses are sound (e.g. "That guy beat me because he's played way more!" Duh.), but where I lack in excuse quality, I make up for it in sheer excuse volume.

Here's some advice for living in the online competitive gaming world:

  1. Limit your multiplayer to close proximity friends that you can punch in the neck when they win too much.
  2. If you do go online, spend money on tools that give you an edge. By the by, if I took one of these out of my closet to play a friend here locally, it would immediately be taken away from me and shoved up my ass.
  3. Try alternating games that you suck at with games that you are good at (if any exist). Everyone needs to balance taking an ass beating with delivering one.
  4. If your competitor lives in a country that has a TV station dedicated to the game that you are playing, log off.
  5. Seek out team-based multiplayer. I've found that it's easier to lose when you're on a team of other losers.
  6. Get better at gaming, loser!

You were expecting ten great tips, weren't you? Well, I started with ten tips and sautéd them down to a delicious six tip reduction sauce. Enjoy, good luck, may you win and be happy.

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