Here Comes Manta Claus...
For the last 10 months, your life has been meaningless. You have wandered the face of this ravaged planet like a chicken with its head sniped off, desperate to fill the black void of boredom which has expanded ever outward from the atrophied waste that is your laughing muscle. No longer! you may (quietly) rejoice, for the immortal Manta Claus has felt the tremulous panting of your enfeebled essence and deemed you worthy of a second chance at life without lameness. Yes, the mighty Manta Claus checked his list thrice... and has found you sufficiently naughty to receive the re-gift of Brolo's Game Views!!!!1!
You're probably wondering, "Wow Manta Claus is much manlier than Santa Claus... why can't Manta Claus come down my chimney and give me some awesome, manly gifts instead of the crappy footy-pajamas and Wii games that Santa always gives me?" Have no fear! I, Brolo, was also sick of getting shitty gifts, so I ventured to Santa's wintry fortress and demanded recompense for uncounted years of suffering. I slew the bumbling old fool with a sharpened candy cane and--by decree of the Santa Clause starring Tim Allen--claimed his lands and lordship for my own! Now I, the mighty Manta Claus, shall make this holiday season the manliest non-denominational gift receiving marathon of all time!!!!!
Manta Claus's Gift Guide for Manly Gamers
Manly Gamer Gift #3:
Dragon Age or Demon's Souls
This is a very hard choice, because both games inspire very manly feelings. You see, Demon's Souls is easily the most challenging single-player game I've jammed into a console since 1998. Once you master it, you will feel like a god among gamers. On the other hand, Dragon Age has a super hot, fully bump-mapped 3D sex scene. Once you watch it, you will feel like God's gift to women (or men, apparently. The music in that video kills me.) The choice is as hard as you are right now, but in the end I have to side with Demon's Souls because pain makes you stronger. And strength is manly. Just ask this guy(?):
Manly Gamer Gift #2:
Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
This is easily one of the manliest games of all time. Basically, you are Indiana Jones' doppleganger, adventuring across the globe in search of buried and bodacious booty wherever it may hide. But that's not even why this game is on the list: it's on the list because your girlfriend will watch you play! Yeah. Uncharted 2 is basically made for watching. I didn't even play it. I have no idea how it handles, or if it's even fun. But I sat there and watched my completely platonic man-friend play it for hours on end, and I'm pretty sure any lovely lady will reward you with a little hanky-panky if you let her watch you play this game. If you don't believe me, ask an impartial third-party.
Manly Gamer Gift #1:
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
Is there anything more satisfying than shooting an anonymous online adversary in the head 25 times in a row and then obliterating everything they've ever loved with a completely gratuitous nuclear strike? Well, yes, I can name a few things, most of which intimately involve the fairer sex. But within the realm of gaming, nothing trumps Modern Warfare 2.
To be imperfectly honest, I could go on for a few hours about the addictive experience and leveling systems, the weapon and perk customization, the badass killstreak rewards, and the overall awesomeness of the game. But this is a gift guide for manly gamers, so the preceding sentence was a waste of words. All you really need to know is this:
GAME FUN! BROLO KILL! BROLO SMASH! BROLO LIKE!
Pro-Tip: Get the extra metal version with the night vision goggles because they are perfect for Spec-Ops Beer Pong.
And that's all there is. Hold your breath, because more will be coming soon...
What I'm listening to: Municipal Waste
Thrash metal that takes tons of prisoners and sentences them all to death-by-keg-stand. They've got songs titled "Headbange Face Rip", "Abusement Park", "Bangover", and the inimitable "Terror Shark". Also, they have this t-shirt. 'Nuff said.
Now where's a wall of death when you need one...
Oh, yeah, I have a twitter account. Sometimes I post stuff. You may regret following me.